Duct Taped Airplanes, Troublesome Traffic and Ridiculous Road Rage

Lao Airlines Headquarters

Despite seeing that the Lao Airlines headquarters in Luang Prabang looked like a decrepit K-Mart from the 80’s, we decided to book a flight from Vientiane, Laos to Hanoi, Vietnam.  Lao Airlines doesn’t have the best safety rating and by no means a clean sheet in the crash department so we were a bit nervous for this fairly short flight.  When we arrived at the airport it was nicer than we expected so this calmed our nerves until we got a glance at the plane.  Clearly this small prop plane was a hand-me-down from a larger airline at some point in time and had the scars to prove it.  To calm ourselves we made jokes about how at least this airplane wasn’t held together by duct tape as we walked outside to the passenger stairs leading into the plane.  However, to our horrified dismay as we got closer to the plane we could see actual rows of duct tape on the exterior of the plane near the wings and engine.  Too late to turn back without causing some sort of “bomb scare” type exit we just really hoped that wasn’t all that held the wings together.  When we boarded, the plane interior was extraordinary with rows of vibrant, colorful jungle print seats clearly from the early 80s.  Now I absolutely love flying and even the roughest turbulence is nothing to me, but I was quite honestly the most nervous I have ever been on an airplane during takeoff.  Any strange rattling noises or bumps I would immediately glance over at the wing to make sure it was still with us.  To Lao Airlines credit, it actually turned out to be a very smooth flight with great food so all in all we were pleased with the experience when we landed in Hanoi.

Which way!!??

At the airport in Vietnam, we exchanged for some Dong (Vietnamese currency) in the airport and took a bus to the center of Hanoi.  All the buildings are very tall, but extraordinarily narrow in the city which was seemingly more wealthy than anywhere in Laos or Thailand.  Now I have never been or really had the desire to be in a boy band before, but I felt a bit of sympathy for Justin Timberlake and the rest of NSYNC when I tried to get off the bus.  There were literally mobs of Vietnamese Taxi drivers grabbing us, screaming at us and trying to get us to come with them.  Now at least Timberlake could tell his mobs of middle school girls to go away, because in my situation these people didn’t speak any English!  We decided the train station couldn’t be far from the city center so we attempted to walk and ask locals for directions.  Even with a map not one person understood our words, train sounds or sign language so we were out of luck.  Eventually we opted to hop on some bicycle rickshaws and cruised through the absolute most insane traffic imaginable.  Now I need to quickly describe the lunacy that is Vietnamese traffic for one moment here.  Traffic lights are scarce in the city as they opt for circles instead.  Now picture a well known traffic circle in your head such as around the Arc De Triomphe in Paris.  Next add 10 times more traffic with 75% of it being motorbikes.  Which side of the road do they drive on in Vietnam? I think that question is debatable especially in these circles as everyone just goes in full speed in every direction and weaves through each other like four colliding schools of fish.  Another crazy aspect is trying to cross the road as a pedestrian.  No vehicles will stop for you, the only method is to walk slowly with the same pace and not look at the traffic whizzing towards you.  The crazy drivers will just avoid you and slowly mold around you as you cross to the other side.  Eventually we arrived at the station and purchased overnight train tickets to Sa Pa, a small town near the border of China that we heard resembled Switzerland.  We consumed some surprisingly good local beers and Pho (famous Vietnamese street soup) waiting for the train.

Sa Pa, Vietnam

The sleeper train was comfortable and awesome except for the fact that we arrived at 5am before the sun had come up. Unfortunately the train station was quite a ways from the town, and there were no buses running this early in the morning.  Since all the taxi’s in Vietnam seemed to be ripping us off, we paid a local guy to drive us to Sa Pa in his SUV.  He was blasting the band O-zone (click here to listen) for the entirety of the journey, speeding excessively up these crazy mountain roads.   At one point a motorbike was in our way and our driver went absolutely berserk.  He honked his horn what seemed like over a million times and tailgated this motorbike to the point of eventually running it off the road.  Next, he pulled over our vehicle and stormed out towards the bike.  There was a girl driving the motorbike with a guy on the back and our driver yanked him straight off the bike.  He pulled this poor guy over to our car and just at the point where I thought I would witness a road rage execution he jammed him into our car.  Although it didn’t appear as if the Vietnamese guys knew each other, they eventually just started chatting and smoking cigarettes for the remainder of the ride.  I was completely speechless and mystified to the interaction which we just played witness.  Here are my theories of what happened:

1. Our driver liked the motorbike girl and angry that this dude was on her bike so removed him to show his dominance.
2. Riding two on a bike up this mountain holds up traffic and is unsafe so he removed him.
3. The band O-Zone was new to Vietnam and our driver was so excited about it that he decided he must show someone else ASAP.

To this day I will never really know the truth, but eventually we arrived in an unreal mountain village looking very similar to a Swiss town.  Accommodations were fairly expensive in this town, but with our “Cheap Cheap” requests one guesthouse owner put us up in his kids room in the basement for very little.

The Ultimate River Party in Laos

Not a good landing!

If you like to party and you’ve never been to Vang Vieng, Laos you are making a huge mistake.  Seriously, start planning a trip right now, because if you’re fond of an alcohol fueled good time, this place is paradise.  Let me set the scene for you.  Picture a curvy, slow moving river neatly placed at the foot of some unique, ancient looking mountains.  Now add a plethora of bamboo bars at each turn in the river equipped with dance floors, zip lines, slides and rope swings.  You start at the top of the river with a tube alongside hundreds of bikini-clad chicks and tattooed backpacker dudes from all over the world.  Free “Lao Lao” whiskey shots are forced down your throat at nearly every turn, while food and beer will cost you pennies.  If you’re too drunk to get out of your tube and swim over to a bamboo bar, it’s not a problem, the bar tenders will throw you a rope and pull you right in.  As the time goes on and your inhibitions are lowered you find yourself standing on a tiny platform atop a thirty-foot tree, about to indulge in a rope swing over the river.

International Mud Wrestling Party

Ironically, its the same rope swing you were commenting on how crazy unsafe it looked when you arrived.  The thwomping bass from the everlasting house music drowns out your shrills as you fly through the air and into the river.  The next thing you know you’re mud wrestling British girls and you’ve completely forgotten you’re in a small town in Southeast Asia.

The next morning, when you wake up in a haze having partied long into the night, you realize you will have to stay there another day, as traveling severely hungover in a hot, bumpy bus is not an option.  Eventually you get the motivation to slowly venture out of your guesthouse into the powerful sun, squinting because you lost your sunglasses in the river.  As you desperately search for some water you realize that everyone is in the same terrible condition as yourself.  Conveniently, the crafty Laotians and backpackers who’ve decided to make this party wonderland their home predicted this and planned accordingly.

Free Shots and Bananas!!!

Almost every restaurant in the city is set up specifically for hungover patrons.  The floor is aligned with pillows and TV’s are playing Friends, Simpsons, South Park and Family Guy all day long.  As you waste an entire day nursing a wicked Lao Lao hangover by laying, eating and watching TV you start to feel slightly bad that you came halfway around the world to do what College students do every Sunday.  As your body slowly returns to a normal state, the city tempts you with “special” shakes, more beers and tuk-tuks full of funny foreign people to party with.  Jobs for foreigners (especially females) are plentiful to provide entertainment for the ever-flowing stream of fun seeking travelers.  Although you are tempted to stay and live the dream for a while, you start talking to those brave souls who have taken this path and realize the toll this type of partying will have on you.  During my first night I stumbled upon this legendary British party animal who may have thought he was dancing, but seemed to just be shifting his weight back and forth in attempt to keep standing while flailing his arms.  His outfit consisted of tiger striped panty hose and a plethora of unrelated, overlapping tattoos that didn’t seem like sober decisions.

Tubing the Dream

I decided I must address this legend and see how long it takes in Vang Vieng to enter this state of debauchery.  In a slurred, cockney accent he exclaimed something about his liver being in the river and that he had been there for a month.  Not sure if I should bow to this man or call his parents I decided 3 or 4 days in Vang Vieng would be enough.

The Bond Between Travel Buddies

First Class on the Mekong

If you want to get to know someone, I mean really, really get to know someone then go traveling with them.  When you spend every waking moment with someone day in and day out for an extended period of time you’ve pressed far beyond a normal friendship.  It’s like some sort of unromantic, dysfunctional marriage, where you’re pretty much stuck with someone for better or worse until the end of your journey.  There’s a point in the journey when you realize that your bond has permanently grown closer than your average friendship and it’s what I like to call the “Dude, when’s the last time you used the bathroom” phase.  This is what occurs when you subconsciously begin to take on your travel partners problems as your own.  Adventuring in the third world already provides many situations of discomfort, fear and confusion, nothing is worse than compounding these negative emotions with a complaining travel buddy.  This means that anything affecting your travel buddy, from slight hunger to traveler’s diarrhea you must work as a team to solve.

Refreshing, BeerLao

With Thailand behind us we cruised in a slowboat across the river to Houxaiy, Laos.  Obtained a visa and settled into a smelly, little guesthouse.  Laos only has one beer “BeerLao” which is surprisingly better than the beer in Thailand.  Consuming some questionable spring rolls and BeerLao’s we tried to enjoy some beautiful scenery through a swarm of nats.  The plan was to book a two day slowboat down the Mekong river to Luang Prabang, Laos.  We entered a shop to book tickets to find the shop keeper sleeping and some kids running around.  The kids struggled to awake the owner who eventually sat up with great difficulty and said he was too drunk then went back to sleep.  Spellbound with our first impressions of Laotian customer service, we eventually found a shop with people sober enough to book us a spot on the boat.  Comparable to the customer service was the quality of shopping bags in Laos.  Shortly after purchasing a bottle of Laos Whiskey the bag just gave out causing an explosion of glass and whiskey all over my sandaled feet.  Annoyed for a split second as this was our entertainment for the lengthy boat ride the next day, but then realized the entire bottle cost just over a dollar, so bought a new one.  Woke up early feeling great despite the dumpy room, only to find my travel buddy Chad in an uncomfortable state of being.  Didn’t realize it until later, but this was the moment where Chad and I moved from friends to travel buddies, for a problem I would normally make jokes about if I was at home made me genuinely concerned.  “Dude, I’m still constipated and I think I might have pink-eye” said the legendary adventurer.  This level of sharing is normally saved for family and although we couldn’t figure out a way to help the problem, the fact that Chad’s bowel movement schedule was on my mind has to mean something.

Our seats for 11 hours

Told to show up to the boat around 8:30am and when we did, we discovered the 7 hour boat ride did not depart until 12:30.  The old, rickety boat was full of small, wooden benches that looked punishing to the behind for the now 11 hour journey.  Up front there were a few chairs that resembled a “Fast and the Furious” style car seat.  As people trickled in and settled onto the benches we had a brief feeling of Laotian royalty until we were kicked out to the First Class seats and now had the worst pick of the benches.  Terrific scenery we ambled down the river drinking whiskey and chatting to some English and Canadian chicks.  As day one on the boat came to an end we arrived in Pakbeng a small Laotian village only accessible by boat that marked the halfway point tp Luang Prabang.  Got off the boat and climbed up some rocks to enter this tiny village.  BeerLao was being advertised everywhere, and we booked a room with two Canadian girls in a ghetto little guesthouse.  Grabbed some dinner and BeerLao’s with the Canuks, the power went out halfway through the meal and we had to eat with candles.  Now I genuinely love Canadian people, but these chicks annoyed me to an unbearable level.  They tried to make it seem like Canadian’s were God’s gift to this earth and American’s were a curse from the devil.  Listening to these prideful Canadians tell us how much more open-minded and friendly their countrymen were all the while saying they don’t like people from America was astonishingly ironic.

Beautiful Mekong River

Drowning myself in BeerLao to keep from saying something that would make our sharing a room with these chicks an unpleasant experience we managed to escape and strolled down the only road in the town.  We stumbled upon an awesome local fiesta where people were eating, drinking and dancing to a live band under a tent.  Purchased some warm beers and mixed right in dancing with some old Laotian women.  Had a blast listening to the funny Laos style Karaoke music watching all the backpackers from the boat dancing and mingling with the extremely friendly locals.  The combination of the remote village combined with the money being pumped in from a literal boat load of backpackers every couple of days made for a really interesting and fun place.  Chad and I joked about staying in Pakbeng and living for awhile selling beer to tourists.  Honestly, I was down…